I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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