i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
