walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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