Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
