hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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