Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
