Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
