sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
