my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
