don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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