i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
