Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
