I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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