Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
