i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
