Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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