everyone is single if you try hard enough
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
