I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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