dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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