Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
