Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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