so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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