If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
