You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
