Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I smell like Dick and happiness
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