Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
