There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
