uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
that's an acceptable place to lick
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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