If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
