He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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