I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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