the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
