he was CRYING into my vagina
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
