Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
