she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
