you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
