friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
