I just pynch a tree in the face
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
