whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
