Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
