Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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