his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
