Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
