I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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