I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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