remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
