so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What drink are we having for lunch?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
