She's JV to your varsity
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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