At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
