Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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