My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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