When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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