Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
