It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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