dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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