How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
