he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
