I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
